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In Pursuit of the Grayling

When I catch her, I won’t eat her. I will hug her and kiss her and sleep with her for 3 days before I finally mount her.

When I look back on all my accomplishments in life, fishing has to be there near the top of the list. I have had this natural love for fishing ever since I was a little boy. I remember getting up at 4AM when I went on fishing trips with my father and his friends. There were times when we paddled on a canoe for over an hour to get to the fish and there were times when we just headed to the local river. No matter, it was always fun just the same. It seems that my father and I have this affinity with fish akin to the affinity Native Americans must have had with the buffalo. Yes, in essence we hunt them, catch them and eat them. Yet my father and I always felt it is not an adversarial relationship but instead a process of communing with a worthy opponent, a kindred spirit. So fish of any kind be it a small sunfish or a 100 pound tuna, always commanded our utmost respect.

I believe it is this respect that has rewarded us, my father and me, with unforgettable fishing experiences. Whether it is pier fishing at the SFO muni, Naples, FL, Corpus Christi, TX, on a party boat or on a private yacht off the Florida Keys, our catches always exceeded our expectation. Oh sure there was one time when we came home with nothing but my father subscribed to the fishing adage, "a bad day at fishing is still better than a good day at work". My father was a “compleat angler”, always ready with his light fishing rod and tackle box. Wherever we went my father asked if a fishing hole just might be near our destination. We caught fresh water fish such as sunnies, perch, crappies, trout, pikes, muskies, small mouth and large mouth bass, carps, catfish, etc etc. And salt water fish such as lingcod, rockfish, flounder, tautog, porgy, sheepshead, albacore, bonefish, bluefish, striper, jewfish, mackerel, grouper, sea bass, shark, and many many more. We caught anadromous fish such as shad, salmon, and sturgeon. We caught them with heavy, medium and light tackle. We caught them fly fishing, spinning, bait casting and jigging. I even tried spear fishing in Yelapa near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

In the near future, I am hoping for the opportunity to experience other types of fishing such as ukai or cormorant fishing on the Nagara River in Japan. Ukai is a traditional method of catching fish by using cormorant birds on leashes to catch fish. Another fishing method I find interesting, though I’m not sure I want to try it is called “noodling”. In noodling, the fisherman uses his bare hands to catch giant catfish. This type of fishing is practiced mostly in southern United States. The noodler locates a catfish nesting hole and then pokes his strong hand inside offering it as bait. When the catfish bites, the noodler grabs its mouth and pulls the catfish out of its nest. Catfish have no teeth so the danger in noodling is not from the catfish itself but from accidental drowning and from encountering more dangerous animals such as snakes, turtles, beavers and even alligators that can bite off the noodler’s fingers.

When it comes to eating my catch, I prefer saltwater fish to the fresh water variety, although for me the anadromous ones taste the best. Needless to say, I do not waste my catch. I eat it, give it away or sell it as in the case with my tuna catch several years ago. I never understood the "catch and release" fishing practice of many American sports fishermen. To me, if it is legal, a keeper, I'll keep it. To me, releasing my catch is like having sex sans an orgasm.

But before my final retirement to that big fishing hole in the sky, my dream is to catch a "grayling". I have read somewhere that this rare fish with a beautiful sail like dorsal fin does not smell fishy at all. Some accounts I have read describe it as possessing a flowery or herbal smell. I have gone to Montana and Wyoming where, according to statistics they used to be plentiful, but they don't seem to be there anymore. One of these days I'm going up there to northern Canada, by helicopter if necessary, to one of those pristine, clear and cold lakes where grayling are known to reside and catch me one of those graylings and make my dream a reality.

When I catch her, I won’t eat her. I will hug her and kiss her and sleep with her for 3 days before I finally mount her. I figure the taxidermist would probably charge me $350.

How to Please Men or What Turns Men On

This article follows the one I wrote last year entitled HOW TO PLEASE WOMEN which received mixed reviews from those claiming expertise in the subject of SEXOLOGY. Based on my past experience and having seen, heard and read answers from respected sexologists, clinical psychologists and certified sex therapists such as the diminutive Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Drs. Lonnie Barbach, Ava Cadell and Judith Kuriansky just to name a few, I have concluded that not too many women know how to please men or know what turns men on. Oh sure when I was 22 it did not take much to turn me on. A little leg here and there, a little cleavage, a finely tuned rounded butt were enough to “open the flood gates” so to speak. But as time flew by, sex partners became more available, less challenging, so turning me on became more challenging to my playmates. Admit it or not, I am sure you guys out there are not the same men you were 20 years ago.

So it is no wonder that many women are asking WHAT TURNS MEN ON? They want their men to perform and they want to please their men. They want their men to be happy. They want to raise their men up to heights they have never arisen before. Kudos to these unselfish women. But what disappoints me are the answers from these so called experts who lack expertise in male sexuality even after years of academic study and clinical practice. Just check out some of their answers: “look into his eyes and tell him you love him….that is enough to turn him on” – Dr. Westheimer. “Turning him on lies between his two ears not between his two legs” – Dr. Kuriansky. Come now, those are the biggest cop-out answers I have ever heard.

So now, back to my situation. A week before Christmas, an attractive female officemate asked me to have drinks with her after work because she wants to talk about “something”. We first started talking about mundane things but after the second drink, she blurted out between sobs that her boyfriend was cheating on her. “Why does this happen to me all the time?” she asked, “when I am so giving and I do everything for him. Can’t men ever be monogamous? Can’t they be faithful to just one girl? Maybe I was too easy and I am no longer a challenge for him so he pursued someone else who may be harder to get…….” At this point I felt she needed a hug so what the hell, I let her cry on my shoulder even though the bartender was looking at us. I suggested maybe a stronger drink but she declined because she is driving, so we ordered another round of black and tan. Then I felt it was my turn to ask the questions. “What do you mean you are so giving and you do everything for him? “ I asked. “You know, everything. I am so giving.” And she describes it in more detail. “Do you let him give back? Do you let him return the favor?” I asked. She answered, “Yes. But I am Asian so I act more reserved and more demure.” “Well” I said, “then I think I found the problem”. “What turns men on is knowing that they are turning you on”.

Yes my female friends out there, the secret for turning a man on is “KNOWING THAT HE IS PLEASING THE WOMAN”. There is no greater turn on for a man than to hear a partner moan and groan to his “touch”, or to hear her say how much she is enjoying “it”. That is the reason men always ask if their partners have achieved orgasms. On the other hand, it is a turn-off for most men if a woman just lies there like a dead fish or acts as if she is just doing him a favor. The “Let’s get it over with attitude” is not conducive to a hot love-making session.

Back to my officemate. I told her to call me just to make sure she got home safely which she did. We talked for a while because she needed more explicit instructions and she promised to give it her best efforts so as to win back her boyfriend. She has been on vacation since then and I can only hope everything is going well, but if not, I made it clear to her that I am always ready and willing to be of help.

Any opinions and views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the writer.

How to please women

Let me preface this by saying that this article, although educational in nature, is of adult content and contains explicit language which some readers, especially women may find objectionable and profane. If you think you will be offended, please do not read any further. If you choose to forward this to your respective groups, do so at your own risk. If you received this in error, please delete it.

Many books about sexuality describe the male and female orgasms as about the same in intensity and pleasure, but the authors admit that no one can ever be sure of this assumption because no human being has been both a man and a woman and that there are no tests to determine the truthfulness of this assumption. I am of the opinion that women get a lot more enjoyment from sex than men and I will provide evidence that made me arrive at this conclusion. First, God created woman to carry a lot more burdens in life than man. Woman is the one who menstruates, gets pregnant, and carries the baby for 9 months before delivering the baby into the world. After delivery, the woman is responsible for nursing and nurturing the baby. In addition, the woman is expected to keep house, cook, do the laundry, clean and in many cases contribute to the family income as well. In contrast, the man though he may be the primary provider, really has it easy, sits in front of the TV, gets waited on by his mate and does not suffer the physical and emotional hardships the woman has to go through in a lifetime.

It is against this back draft that I say it is too lopsided against our adorable women. Therefore, I have concluded that God must have created some kind of an equalizer for women. That great equalizer I believe is that women get a lot more out of sex than men. Most of us know that some women are capable of multiple orgasms and female ejaculation, so it is not hard for me to conclude that their orgasms must be more intense than ours……10, 20 maybe even 100 times more pleasurable than ours. Many women try to describe “IT” in songs and poems. The following poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning is one of my favorites:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

Poor Elizabeth! She was beside herself trying to grasp for the right words to describe the euphoria, the overwhelming ecstasy she must have been experiencing when she wrote this poem in the 1800s. It is clear her soul reached unparalleled heights, not to mention the boundless breadth and abyssal depth when she was “feeling out of sight”.

Women can keep going even after an orgasm. As a former girlfriend said to me, “it just goes on and on”. On the other hand, most men go limp after an orgasm and have to wait some time before achieving another erection. This is called the refractory period. 18 year old males have an average refractory period of 15 minutes while those in their 70s on the average cannot achieve another erection until after 20 hours. According to medical studies, men reach their sexual peak at the age of 21 whereas women reach theirs at the age of 40. Are you with me?

Therefore, now that I have presented the evidence, how do we make our women happy? How do we please women? What do women want? I will skip the preliminaries, the dating part, the candlelight dinners, the romance because I am sure you guys out there have your own ideas and I am sure you are competent enough in that respect. I will get right into the nitty gritty because I have given enough evidence that women are hornier than us.

In my own experience, I know of 3 different female orgasms. I am sure there are more than 3, but borrowing Obama’s statement, anything above 3 is “beyond my pay scale”. I have seen clitoral orgasm, vaginal orgasm and believe it or not nipple orgasm. I have also heard of anal orgasm but let’s not go there.

Women need a lot of foreplay and teasing. So after the usual preliminaries, kissing, nibbling, pressing your naked body to hers both of you should be good and ready. You have your full erection and her vagina is well lubricated. At this point DO NOT JUST SHOVE YOUR DICK IN! Tease her by ever-lightly pressing the head of your dick into her vaginal opening. You can hold your dick and use the head to trace up and down her vaginal lips and then touch her clitoris with it lightly. Or you can just assume the missionary position to start as if to enter her, but instead just let the head of your penis find the vaginal opening on its own while French kissing her or licking her nipples. After a few minutes of your dickhead probing around the vaginal entrance, she will be begging for you to shove it in already by verbally telling you or by grabbing your ass or by putting you in a sort of a vice-grip hold with her two legs tightly wrapped around your back or neck. But my advice to you, great lover that you are, or will be is to resist this and prolong the ecstasy by continuing to tease her until she has a clitoral orgasm caused by just the head of your dick touching and teasing her clit before your dick even enters her pussy. You can shove it in while she’s having her orgasm and she would love you for it.

The vaginal orgasm sexologists are talking about is also called the G-Spot orgasm. The G-Spot is located inside the vagina in the mons veneris general location. Locate IT by asking your partner to lie on her back and ask her to open her legs. With your palm facing upwards, gently insert 2 fingers, the forefinger and the middle finger into her well lubricated vagina. Then gently probe upwards and you will feel a little mound of flesh which you can even catch in between your two fingers. THAT IS THE G-SPOT. Proper stimulation of this little hanging flesh can cause her to ejaculate or at least discharge some kind of liquid. If you combine this finger stimulation of the G-Spot with the stimulation of her clitoris with your tongue it is very likely that she would ejaculate. Some women do not like being fingered; the reason given is hygiene, dirty or long fingernails. If your partner is like that, use clean latex gloves like the ones they use in hospitals and make sure she is well lubricated before inserting your fingers. During intercourse, the best way to stimulate the G-Spot is obviously to thrust the penis in an upward angle towards the vaginal ceiling, mons veneris general area. Your penis will not feel the G-Spot because the sensation of the vaginal walls on your penis is all the same. A good position to achieve success in this worthy endeavor is to stand on your knees and let her lie on her side and let her drape one leg over your shoulder while the other leg is in between your knees. If you enter her this way, the penis has a greater chance of making contact with her G-Spot.

I have seen several women achieve orgasms through nipple stimulation. This can happen by employing varying light touches of your hand and tongue on her nipples. The trick is not to zero in on the nipple right away but to lick around the areola occasionally brushing the nipple with the tip of your tongue. You’ve hit the jackpot if she is very vocal because she will verbally give you instructions on what feels good or not so good, when to nibble, when to suck and how gentle or how hard. But again the bottom line is to tease the nipples to the point of her begging you to do “something”. In this endeavor, resist touching any part of her body that is below the waist. Everything above the waist is fair game. It would be a different explosion when she does explode.

Most women nowadays are very open and vocal about sex. They know their bodies very well so they can help you and actually show you what feels good. They know better than you on how their clitoris and nipples should be stimulated. Many are not shy about using sex toys such as vibrators and dildos and would gladly share the experience with their partners if they feel their partners are open to the idea. But many men get threatened by a woman’s eagerness in employing sex toys or even if a woman touches herself. Some men think “am I not pleasing her that she needs sex toys or has to touch herself?” To those men I say YOU ARE SUCH PRUDES. Let the poor woman enjoy herself after all she is the one who menstruates monthly, gets pregnant, carries the baby for nine months and gets her vagina split opened so a 9 pound bundle of joy can come out of it. On the other hand, if you are the one who is receptive to the idea of introducing sex aids into your love making and you wish she would touch herself but she is acting like a prude, I have some pointers for you which would be the discussed in my future article on the subject.

To those of you who are not exactly spring chickens (or should, “spring cock” be more appropriate) anymore and are tempted to ask “Dido, where were you when I was young and single?” I tell you it does not matter. Just go, use your new found knowledge and please that wonderful woman you are with.